Overcoming the "Poor Me" Problem with Gratitude
Oct 23, 2019
A message from MNYS Vice-President Renée Wicklund
Being synod vice president has a downside: The time commitment feeds my “poor me” problem. Poor me. Between my job and my synod work and managing a family, I have no time for myself. Poor me. I feel overwhelmed.
Do you have a “poor me” problem, too? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. That’s human nature. We see the world through our own eyes, experiencing our own emotions, and chasing our own aspirations. Maybe you say, Poor me. The furnace broke, so we won’t have money for a vacation this winter. Or, Poor me. I live so far from my children that I hardly see my grandkids.
For any person, the first step in overcoming “poor me” can be gratitude.
Poor me. Between my job and my synod work and managing a family, I have no time for myself. With gratitude, that becomes, “I am so fortunate. I have a job to pay the bills, I have the skills and opportunity to serve my church, and I am blessed with a family to love.”
Poor me. The furnace broke, so we won’t have money for a vacation this winter. That becomes, “I am so fortunate. I have a home in which to reside, and a furnace to keep me warm when the weather turns cold.”
Poor me. I live so far from my children that I hardly see my grandkids. That becomes, “I am so fortunate. My children have the ability to live on their own, and they have given me a legacy, another generation.”
The power of gratitude as a response to self-pity seems pretty evident; we are happier when we feel fulfilled, not lacking.
I’d like to pose a different challenge: For us as Christians, is there a second step in overcoming the “poor me” problem? When we take God’s will for us into account, does gratitude lead to another step?
I believe it does. I believe that not only should we train ourselves to experience gratitude, but that the Gospel teaches us also to turn gratitude into action (e.g., Mark 6:19-21; Luke 11:13). That is, we are called to equip others with the tools they need to become grateful too.
It’s an appropriate sign of gratitude for me to say, “I am so fortunate. I have a job to pay the bills, I have the skills and opportunity to serve my church, and I am blessed with family to love.” But as a Christian, do I truly open my heart to receive the gifts of God’s love if I am surrounded by neighbors who are without employment, without meaningful opportunity to follow their passion, or experiencing loneliness? I don’t think I do. If I make no effort to alleviate the suffering of others, I find myself struggling to live my entire calling.
So, the next step is to ask how I can help others also find themselves in this same place. For example, if my family is provided for, then I have enough to contribute to mission support, to bolster the programs that feed and clothe my neighbors, to take care of individuals and families while they get back on their feet, to provide fellowship to the lonely. Gratitude demands response. Gratitude leads to giving. (Matthew 5:16; Luke 6:38; John 15:12.) Indeed, science agrees with the Gospel. Studies have found that gratitude and altruism go hand-in-hand, that grateful people experience more inner reward when their money goes to charity than when they spend on themselves. See David Degras et al., “A General Benevolence Dimension That Links Neural, Psychological, Economic, and Life-Span Data on Altruistic Tendencies,” Journal of Experimental Psychology: General (145:10, 2016).
Let’s call the process a full-scale reversal of the “poor me” problem.
Poor me. The furnace broke, so we won’t have money for a vacation this winter.
- I am so fortunate. I have a home in which to reside, and a furnace to keep me warm when the weather turns cold.
- Staying at home will save me even more money than the furnace repair. I can donate some for shelters and soup kitchens.
Poor me. I live so far from my children that I hardly see my grandkids.
- I am so fortunate. My children have the ability to live on their own, and they have given me a legacy, another generation.
- Some neighbors my age have no family at all and worry about their future. I can visit with them and provide companionship, or volunteer with a social club.
When we turn self-pity into gratitude, God can turn that gratitude into giving. In the Beatitudes, Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” (Matthew 5:8.) A heart filled with self-pity is cloudy. Pure is the heart made eager to give.